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Monday, January 13, 2014

Adventures in Puke Puddles (or why I would be a horrible mother)

I awoke to someone screaming three feet from my head.  My immediate thought process was, "Either the world is ending, the house is on fire, or someone's been stabbed to death."  Then I realized it was Kallie standing in front of me. Why was she standing screaming right by my bed?

And then I understood.  Zeke had been sick, so it seems likely (even probable) that she was sick as well.  Just my luck that she'd choose my room to disturb with her unearthly (legitimately unearthly) cries.

I tumbled out of bed, turning Kallie around and push/leading her toward the door.

Me: *mumbling* "It's fine, Kallie, we're just gonna get you to the bathroom and everything will be fine..."
Kallie: *incoherent screams*

Unfortuantely, since I had been awake for roughly10 seconds at this point, I wasn't exactly watching where I was going.  The next thing I knew, my feet were stepping in something warm, wet, and textured.

Me: "Ohmygosh, Kallie.  Ohmygosh. This is so disgusting.  OH! KAAALLIE!! Grossgrossgross! I can NOT believe I just did that!  ohmywordohmyword..."
Kallie: *Soggy screams broken by ragged breaths*

Despite my unfortunate encounter with my sister's vomit, I knew I still had to get Kallie to the bathroom in case she decided to throw up again (all though judging by the size of the puddle, there wasn't much left in her stomach at this point).  I stumbled into the lights of the bathroom, still shoving Kallie until we reached the toilet.

Kallie: *in between sobs* "I'm noooot siiiiick!"
Me: "Yes, you are! Look, if you need to throw up again, do it in the toilet, alright?"
Kallie:  "I"M NOT SIIIICK!!"

Alright, I would just like to remind you of the situation at this point.  I awoke to this child screaming, proceeded to shove her (still screaming) through the hallway in the dark, walked through her vomit in bare feet, and she has the nerve to tell me that she isn't sick?

Me: *leaning a little closer and gesturing for emphasis* "Kallie! You just threw up all over the floor, remember? YOU ARE SICK!! So just sit there while I go get Mom, ok?
Kallie:  *huddles by toilet sniveling and whimpering*

At this point, I officially realized that I had just stepped in throw up.  In bare feet.

Me: *hopping around the bathroom wiping my feet off on towels* "I can't believe I just stepped in throwup! Nasty! Nasty! OhmywordthatisSOgross!That is so gross!!"
Kallie: *still whimpering by the toilet*

Finally remembering the sniveling child who just threw up, I stumble out of the bathroom, narrowly avoiding the puke puddle.  Downstairs, I stand in the doorway to my parent's dark bedroom.

Me: "Mom?"
Mom: *sounding very tired* "Yes?"
Me: "Kallie is sick and she threw up and also I stepped in it."
*brief moment of silence*
Mom: *sigh* "I'm coming*

Upstairs once again, I turn on the light in the hallway and point Mom to the vomit and the whimpering child.  I now see that the vomit leads back to my room, in the middle of which a second small puddle of puke sits.

Me: *standing with back of hand shoved in mouth* "Mom! I stepped in that!  Ohmygosh, I think I'm gonna throw up that is so nasty.  Ew!Ew!Ew!Ew!!! Will you clean it up?"
Mom: *trying not to laugh* "Yeah."

So Mom consoled Kallie and cleaned up the vomit with bleach, while I paced around the kitchen re-cleaning my feet.  Before I went back to bed, I actually grabbed a bucket just in case I thought about my misadventure later and threw up.

The best part about this entire situation?  The next morning, Chloe walks into my room laughing.  Laughing.  She's all like, "Hey, so last night I wake up to this screaming, and then the next thing I hear is like, 'Ohmyword! That is so so so nasty! I can't believe I just stepped in it! Kaaallie!' So anyway, I thought about getting up to help you, but then I was like, nah."

Nah.  As in "Nah, I won't get up to help my saintly sister who's sacrificing her comfort (and sanity) to minister to the crying, sickly child.  Instead, I'll just lay in my bed, warm and comfortable."

Nah.

Yes.  My siblings were just laying in the room next door laughing as I traipsed through puke puddles and shoved screaming children about.

#1 thing I won't miss when I move out?  Screaming children who can't aim their own puke.  

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