Star Poetry

Life in the suburbs ensures you see only the very brightest stars.  Even on clear nights, the sky looks painfully sparse.  Last week, while driving back from my grandparents, I happened to look out the window.  It was almost midnight and there wasn't a city for miles around.  Astounded by the unexpected clarity of the skies, I suddenly wanted simply to lie on the side of the road and find the big dipper.  I wanted to stare at it forever, unsure if I could hold it in my mind once the clouds came again.  Scrambling, I searched for words, sentences, feelings, something to describe what I saw.  Poetry seemed appropriate. 

I love poetry, but I don't usually write much myself.  However, occasionally, when I'm feeling some emotion more intensely than normal, I find there's nothing I can do but write a poem.  Sometimes just writing only confuses things.   In a poem you can leave holes here and imply things there and bring ideas and feelings to mind and do it all in a way that's beautiful.  I love the rhythm and cadence of poetry, though I can't always get it right myself.  So, in desperation, I tried to capture the skies in rhyme.

I can't pretend like I succeeded, but here's the result of my efforts:

Star Gravity

The Gravity presses down
Upon my outstretched hands
My eyelids close and i spin
To meet the night's demands
I'll wrap my fingers 'round the grass
Lest I float away
For lidless stars are calling
From beyond the milky way
"Come and join the ranks of light
Leave the ground behind
The earth has lost its grip on you
And star bound winds are kind."

Oh Smiling Moon I can ignore
Your luminescent face
But tingling stars reach down
And make it hard to stay in palce
Tomorrow I'll re-tie the stone
Rub raw the callused scars
But tonight I'll lose the knots
Feel the gravity of stars

As I reread it now, it seems woefully lacking in what I'm trying to say. I wish I could tell you how I felt the night and loved the stars and drew the constellations in my mind, but I can't.  I wish I could make you see how they reached down and grabbed my hand, how they stole my breath and squeezed my chest, but I don't know how.  I wish I could describe the feeling the welled up in my heart, but there aren't any words for that. It was something like satisfaction, joy, peace, love, fear, amazement, longing and emptiness all mixed into one.

I just...I just...no matter what metaphor I think of, no matter what adjective comes to mind, no matter what analogy creates itself, I just...I just...I can't get it right somehow.  It doesn't seem there is a way to properly describe the night sky.  I have yet to find enough words (at least in my vocabulary) to sum up the expanse above or even just the feelings within.  Yes, God's creation is beyond me.

I'll just have to write another poem. 

An Update On My Emotional Health

Yes, yes, I realize that only a few months ago I was complaining about being alone all the time, but some things have changed since then.  I still do like to be with people; that will never change.  But I've also regained my love of solitude.  These past weeks have made me realize just how much I love those lazy socialize-with-myself, do-nothing-with-friends sort of days.

I've busier than normal with homework this week, so I had significantly less time to spend with myself.  Today I totally made up for that.  I actually had fun with myself.  In fact, I'm still having fun.  In a summer of go go go, I'd forgotten how fabulous it is to simply be with myself.  That sounds completely prideful, as if I'm spending the day looking in the mirror saying, "Hey, you look good today *wink*", but that's not what I mean.  

It's like this.  Earlier this summer I hated being alone because I always felt lonely.  There was an indescribable emptiness that welled up inside every time I met my eyes in the mirror.  Being in a room by myself was something to avoid, and I distracted myself as much as possible.  However, these episodes of loneliness have gradually become less frequent over the past month or so.  I guess you could say I've kinda renewed my relationship with God, and ever since, that uncontentment and fear has slowly been fading, replaced by  new confidence and happiness.  I've recovered the pleasure of loneliness and the joy of solitude.  

Today I had a blast.  By myself.  A unique feeling accompanies the knowledge that no one aside from God can see you right now.  When it's combined with a computer, music, a book, and a mind busy with thoughts and time, you've got a perfect day in the making.  There are a lot of things that are always better done with someone else, but several things are always the best by yourself.

Lately I've been looking forward to time by myself.  Relaxing by myself after a long day of school.  Not to say that I no longer enjoy a good time with friends, but that I no longer fear a good time with myself.  I've found this unexplainable joy from not being busy.

I'm not sure this is coming across the way I mean it, but in short, life is good and Saturdays are BEAST.